Tony Abbott, Virginity and Hypocrisy

In an interview for Australian Women’s Weekly, when Australian Opposition Leader, Tony Abbott, was asked what advice he would give to his daughters, he said that women should treat their virginity as a gift and not give it away lightly.

He has received a lot of criticism for that comment. Julia Gillard said it would confirm Australian women’s worst fears about him. She also said that Australian women want to make their own choices and don’t want to be lectured to. He has also received criticism for being hypocritical, as he did have sex before marriage – and for many years thought he was the father of a son by a former girlfriend.

The first thing that should be noted here is it was advice given to his daughters. He was not preaching to the whole of Australia. And if Australian women don’t want Australian politicians telling them what to do, I don’t think Australian parents want politicians telling them what advice they should give their children either.

Why is not okay for Tony Abbott to give his daughters advice regarding virginity? But it’s quite okay for Julia Gillard to tell Tony Abbott that his parenting advice is wrong? It doesn’t make sense to me.

And I wonder what the reaction would have been if Tony Abbott’s advice had been to go on the pill and use contraceptives?

Furthermore, it seems to me that it is very good advice. I remember when I was in high school and all my friends were at that stage when they had either lost their virginity or considering losing it. Some gave it away lightly. Some waited for a while. And I can’t remember one single person saying to me, gee, I’m glad that I lost my virginity with the first bloke that came along. I heard a lot of my friends say that they wish they had waited. I wish I had waited.

Virginity is a precious gift. And I think when we treat it as something of no value, something that can simply be tossed away as soon as the opportunity presents itself, we do women a huge disservice. Because no matter how society tells us we should think about sex, most women – at least the ones I know – feel that their virginity is precious. And when they lose it, they feel as though they have lost something valuable.

To deny this is not to liberate women. It is to hold them captive. For instead of being urged to value that which is precious, they are told the ‘safe’ ways they can give it away for free. This promotes the view that what they have does not have value. And so the expectation becomes that they will have premarital sex, and have it young. And then when they give into that expectation, they realise that it was not really what they wanted to do.

If someone convinces you that the diamond necklace you were wearing was worthless and you gave it away for free, wouldn’t you feel a bit cheated? I think many women feel cheated too.

In all this talk about liberating female sexuality, we seem to have forgotten that sex is different for men and women. I have had many people disagree with me on this point. But I truly believe that is the case. Sex for women is usually more emotional. It is not just a physical act. And most women feel that when they have sex with someone, they are giving away something precious – whether it’s the first time or the 21^st time. And when there is sex, with no love, with no attachment whatsoever, it often leaves a woman feeling empty. Not all the time. I will say that. There are some women who have many one night stands and are perfectly happy with that. And there are some men who also need love and attachment for sex to be a meaningful act. But the emotional aspect of sex is far more likely in females than in males.

Is that so wrong? Why do we want to pretend that doesn’t exist? So that we can convince a whole new generation of females that having sex whenever and with whoever they want to is natural? And then we leave them wondering why they don’t feel liberated at all?

Anyway, back to Tony Abbott. And hypocrisy.

Because according to some commentators, Tony Abbott’s advice was also out of line because he had sex before marriage.

If being a hypocrite means giving advice that you didn’t actually follow yourself, I would suggest that most parents are hypocrites. At least the responsible ones.

I smoke. Am I then going to tell my children that they should start smoking because I do? Of course not. That would be incredibly irresponsible. Instead, I will urge them not to smoke and tell them of the dangers. I also wasted my year 12 through wagging practically everyday. Does that mean, when my boys reach year 12, that I can’t tell them to go to school? It’s because I know how much I regret wasting that final year of high school that I will give them advice to pay attention to their studies.

And that’s the thing about parenting. Most parents don’t tell the children to do the things they actually did. We want our children to make better choices than we did. Not the same ones. If my children do exactly the same things I did through my life, then they will be making exactly the same mistakes. And yes, children often do need to make mistakes and make their own choices. But you don’t just sit back and let them do something you know they will regret.

That applies for many types of advice, not just parenting advice. I really hope we never see the day when people can only give advice that they follow themselves. People need to be given advice that helps them make better choices. We don’t want to be a situation where each generation keeps repeating the same mistakes, over and over again, because nobody is telling them to do any better.

And this whole concept that everyone is free to do what they want to do and nobody should tell other people how to live is really, really stupid. Part of being human, living in society, in community, is learning from the experience of others. Yes, we may reject their advice. And each generation that comes up will reject at least some of the advice of their parents. But we should at least give it. They should at least have the chance to learn from our experience, if they choose to. Not to simply find their own way, because everyone is too afraid to tell them what to do.

As for Tony Abbott, I think his advice was very sensible. I’m not generally a Liberal voter, but I do like Tony Abbott. I don’t always agree with him. But I like the fact that he speaks his mind, instead of saying what he thinks the Australian public wants to hear. And I think his daughters are lucky to have him for their father.

Is Divorce Too Easy - Tony Abbott's Proposal

The Divorce - Jan Hendrink van der Laar

Australian Liberal MP, Tony Abbott, has proposed a system whereby couples that are marrying can choose to opt out of the no-fault based divorce that is now in place. Instead, they agree to only allow divorce if someone can be shown to be at fault.

A number of criticisms have been made of his proposal, including the possibility that it will leave people in harmful or meaningless marriages, or that it will lead to a situation where everyone is playing the blame game.

I think these criticisms have merit. Some marriages just are not healthy and the best thing is simply to end it, rather than continuing on with a marriage that may be damaging to a person’s emotions or even physical wellbeing. And I certainly don’t want to see a situation where people are just trying to blame the other partner for their bad marriage. When a marriage ends, particularly when children are involved, it is best to try and forgive the other person, and put the bad things behind you. This would be very difficult to do for people who are trying to show the other person is at fault.

However, divorce is too easy. Way too easy.

I think far too many marriages end when they shouldn’t. Because divorce is too easy, as soon as the first difficult time comes along, it’s simple just to opt for a divorce. Sometimes even friends may suggest a divorce or ask why a couple stays together, when the marriage obviously isn’t working. What could just be a temporary problem ends up being a permanent break. Marriages grow stronger as couples go through difficult times and work through problems. I fear that less and less people will be willing to do that nowadays.

Also, no matter how much a couple may tell themselves they will stay together after they are married, the fact is they know they don’t have to. And there is a difference between making a commitment for life and a commitment for – until we hit our first speed bump and need a divorce. A lifelong commitment requires a lot of thought before making a decision. A short-term commitment doesn’t. And the very relationship is different. How we act and live with someone who we have to be with for the rest of our lives is going to be different to the way we act with someone who we are married to for the moment.

But I say all this as a divorced person. I know how difficult some marriages can be. Not just difficult. Let’s face it. Some marriages can be – well, actually. I’m going to leave it there. Because I don’t like to talk about my marriage. I avoid the subject whenever I can. And I almost left this topic alone, because I knew it would mean thinking about it.

Let’s just put it this way. Some marriages are very bad. To create a situation where people have to stay in those types of marriages is not a good idea.

But it’s hard to know what the solution is. I think there has to be some way of getting out of a marriage, without playing the blame game, dredging up emotions and saying who is at fault. But I also think that divorce should be a lot harder than it now is.

And I don’t think Tony Abbott’s proposal will really help. It does goes back to the blame game, which isn’t nice. As an opt in system, it’s not going to make divorce anymore difficult for the people who are sure they will be together for life and don’t need it, or the ones who don’t want to be tied to someone for life and are not going to sign any contract that ties them down.

However, even though I don’t think Tony Abbott’s idea would work, I don’t think he deserves to be criticised. Divorce is too easy. And something should be done to make it harder for people. I don’t want to live in a world where a marriage contract is easier to get out of than a mortgage repayment. And I think Abbott should be praised for at least trying to find solutions.