Suspicious Minds

Recently I found myself in a situation where I didn’t trust somebody. Now I’m usually a person who does trust people, who always believes the best in others. But with this particular person, I just had this niggly feeling that something wasn’t right. I even mentioned my suspicions to others. And then felt terrible that I had done that.

I tried to give this person the benefit of the doubt. When a situation arose in which I had to trust them to a certain degree, my first reaction was ‘No, don’t do that.’ But I thought no. I don’t want to be someone who thinks people are deceiving them. I want to believe that people generally have good intentions. So I acted against instinct. And then worried that I had done the wrong thing.

It turns out my suspicions were correct. And at first, that was a bit of a relief. At least now I knew that I wasn’t suspecting someone without good reason. But at the same time, I also felt a bit deflated.

Yeah, I was right. This person was trying to deceive myself and others. So what? I still didn’t feel that good that I had been so ready to believe the worst of somebody. I don’t want to be that kind of person. I never was before.

It kind of brings up a whole load of questions for me too.

Was I right in suspecting them? Should I have gone with my instinct? And could that niggly feeling perhaps even have been God’s way of warning me?

Or should I have trusted them anyway? Even though they didn’t deserve my trust. Even though my instincts were right. Should I still believe the best of people, even though it means sometimes I may be wrong?

I don’t know the answers to those questions. I still don’t know whether I did the wrong thing in trusting this person or whether I did the wrong thing in suspecting them. And should a Christian lean more towards trusting or lean more towards listening to the voice that tells them something is not quite right?

I don’t want to be a suspicious and paranoid person. I really don’t like the fact that I was that person for a time. And I really hope that my suspicions and paranoia end there. But I’m worried they won’t.

Because the problem is, once suspicions have been proved correct, it’s hard not to listen to them the next time around.

I’m not annoyed with this person for trying to deceive me. But I am annoyed with myself that I wasn’t deceived. I’d rather be deceived. I’d rather trust and be hurt, than not be able to trust at all. I’d rather believe the best and be proved wrong, than believe the worst and hate myself because of it.

But at the same time, maybe that feeling that something wasn't right was God telling me to be careful. And maybe I should have listened to it more.