Goals and Gratefulness

So how did everyone go with achieving their goals for 2009? I did everything on the list of things I wanted to do. There was not a single goal I had for 2009 that was not completed.

Mind you, it helps if you only have one goal.

Mine was to stay alive.

You see, last year – actually, make that December 2008, as I am writing this on 1 January 2010 – I had a big health scare. I won’t bore you with all the details, but I thought there was a possibility I may not live through 2009. I would like to point out that I am perfectly healthy. It was either some health professional scaring me for no reason, simple human error or possibly a miracle. I like the last explanation myself.

The point of me telling you this is not to point out how fantastic it is that I am alive. The point is to remind myself of how fantastic it is to be alive. Because the simple truth is I had forgotten.

It seems strange that I could forget. Last year, when a good friend asked me what I wanted to do in 2009, I said I just wanted to live. It was a big thing for me – huge. I was terrified. Not of dying so much. But of leaving my children. I was so scared that I wouldn’t be around to watch them grow up.

And if someone had told me back then that I would have a bad Christmas this year, and that my son would be sick and I would miss church and no-one would eat my turkey lunch, I would have thought they were bringing me the best news I had ever heard. I seriously was worried I wouldn’t make Christmas.

All this probably sounds a bit melodramatic – especially as you know that I’m perfectly okay. And perhaps it is melodramatic. After all, nothing was actually wrong with me. But what I have written here is nothing compared to the actual thoughts that were running around in my head a year ago.

I was positive that if everything worked out okay, my life would be completely different. I would have a new appreciation for life and I would treat every day as a precious gift.

But I didn’t. I forgot. And sure, I try to thank God for what he has given me, but I don’t spend nearly enough time just thanking him that I am alive. Each day has become just another day, filled with the same worries and struggles as every other day. I very quickly started to take life for granted again.

*****

In the middle of January, there are three words that I’m know I’m going to hear from both my boys – over and over and over again. Those words are ‘I am bored’. Because by then they would have been on holidays for a while and the initial excitement of their Christmas presents will have worn off. These are the Christmas presents that they have been asking for since October. Begging, pleading, circling them in catalogues and pointing them out in stores. And the looks of delight on their faces when they open them really are something special. But by the middle of January, they have forgotten all that. Their presents have become boring.

And it annoys me. But then I think I’m kind of the same really. I pray for things and am so grateful to God when he gives me the things I have been asking for. But that gratefulness is very short lived. Give me three months and I’ve forgotten all about it. I don’t know how many times I prayed during December for everything to be fine with my health. Many, many times. In fact, I was pretty much constantly praying from about the beginning of December to the beginning of February.

So why am I not now constantly thanking God? Why, in fact, did I completely forget all about it?

Because I’m human, I guess, and humans forget. As soon as one prayer is answered, we’re onto the next one.

Sometimes I wonder whether the reason God doesn’t answer more prayers is because we show such a lack of appreciation for the ones he does answer. I know I get very annoyed when I buy my boys something and the minute they have it their hands, they’re asking for something new.

Anyway, this year I have decided not to write a list of goals for 2010. Instead of writing down a whole load of things that I don’t yet have or have not yet achieved, I want to be grateful for what I do have. Although it’s good to plan for the future, sometimes it’s hard to really appreciate what we have when we’re always looking forward to the next thing we want. I think there also needs to be a fair bit of looking back, so that we can remember what we have gained, what prayers were answered, what goals were achieved and we spend at least some time being grateful for them.

Reproductions

The Starry Night - Vincent Van Gogh

Last weekend, I went to the Masterpieces of Paris exhibition at the National Gallery of Australia. I think I was only going there for the buzz of having seen these paintings ‘in the flesh’. I certainly didn’t expect to see anything new. Many of the paintings, I had already seen. Well, I hadn’t seen the real paintings, but I had seen reproductions – on posters, calendars, mugs, umbrellas and paint by numbers kits. I knew what they looked like. Or at least, I thought I did.

I’m sure it won’t come as any surprise to learn that the real paintings did not look like the reproductions. Well they did. But they didn’t. They were more vivid, more textured, more real. I was seeing the same images I had seen dozens of times, but in a way I had never seen them before.

One painting that I particularly enjoyed was The Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh. I had seen this painting – or least reproductions of this paintings – many, many times. And I had never been that impressed with it. But when I saw the real thing, I finally understand what the big deal about it was. I loved that painting. And I decided, as I was standing in front of it, that I would buy a bookmark or poster or something of it when I left the art exhibition. But when I got to the gift store and looked at the reproductions, I realised I would not be buying anything. The reproductions just didn’t do it justice. Even now, in looking at the image on the internet, I am thinking why exactly did I like it so much? Because I really can’t see anything that amazing about it.

After I looked at the Masterpieces of Paris exhibition, we looked at the other exhibitions in the National Gallery. One painting I always like to have a good look at is Bourke Street by Tom Roberts. I love that painting. I have a picture of it in my lounge room. But the reproduction I have up in my house looks so different to the original. My reproduction is faded and bits are torn and it’s really gives no idea of what the original is like. I still love it, because I love the picture. But it’s not the real thing.

It’s the same with music. Anybody who has ever gone to a concert knows that listening to a CD is not the same as hearing the same music live. It may sound exactly the same. But yet it is different. A real life experience is so much more intense than listening to a copy. I have a friend who can’t stand opera. I once played him a piece of music that I thought was beautiful and he thought it was boring. (Some people have no taste.) But once, his mother wanted to go and see Pavarotti in concert. So he took her. And he says that he will never forget that experience. He didn’t even like Pavarotti. But hearing him live was something very special.

In Colossians 2:17, Paul speaks of ‘the shadow of things to come’. It’s a bit of a hard phrase to understand and I certainly can’t claim to know exactly what Paul meant. But when I was thinking of the art exhibition, this phrase immediately came to mind.

I think that this earth and the Church we have here on earth (in all its forms) are just reproductions. Some of them may be good reproductions. Some of them are quite bad reproductions, a bit like my picture of Bourke Street in my lounge room. But they’re still reproductions. They can only show us what the heavenly Church looks like. But they still fall short of the reality of that Church. And if we actually saw the original, we would be amazed and astounded at how beautiful it really is.

Bourke Street by Tom Roberts

Not a Good Christmas

I hope you had a nice Christmas. I didn’t.

It started with me being woken at 5 o’clock in the morning, when I heard my youngest son, sounding very upset, telling his brother ‘We have to tell Mummy’. I raced out of bed, not sure what was happening, but knowing that something was definitely wrong. What was wrong was that my youngest son was sick and felt like he was about to throw about. Actually, it wasn’t as bad as what I had envisaged. But still, not a good start to Christmas.

He actually got better and then my eldest son got sick. He spent practically the entire day in bed with a headache and a high fever. At one point, he kept crying and crying because his head hurt and he couldn’t get to sleep. My friend rang me just as I was trying to get the fever down and I think it’s the quickest conversation I have ever had with her.

I missed Mass. And from about 10 o’clock to 12 o’clock, I was quite upset about it.

I cooked a beautiful Christmas lunch that cost a lot of money and a lot of time, and I was practically the only one eating it.

I had planned to sing Christmas carols with the boys after lunch, and it ended up being my youngest son and I singing about three carols and then giving up.

Not really a good Christmas.

And yet, in a strange way, it was probably the most peaceful Christmas I have ever had.

Because the pressure was off. There was no way this was going to be a perfect Christmas or even a good day. It had gone wrong right from the start. And so suddenly, it didn’t matter if other things went wrong.

I think sometimes there’s a lot of pressure on us to get Christmas right. Christmas will be the day we really focus on Jesus. Christmas will be the day we cook the perfect meal. Christmas will be the day that everybody eats what’s put in front of them. Christmas will be the day when everybody is selfless and generous. Christmas will be the day that we do a superb job of loving each other. Christmas will be the day that we do not fight.

And usually, something does go wrong. And then we get upset, because Christmas is not perfect anymore. And then we get angry because things aren’t happening the way we want them to.

The truth is it’s important to focus on Jesus every single day of our lives. It’s important to show our love for each other every single day of our lives. Christmas is important. But it shouldn’t be the day when we make up for a year’s worth of neglect. It should be the day when we continue to do what we have been doing all year.

When everything started going wrong this Christmas, I kept thinking that I have another year before I can try and make it up somehow. But that’s not really right. I may need to wait another year for Christmas presents to be given again. I may need to wait another year before I can cook another Christmas lunch - although the way things are at the moment, I could still have some of this year's leftovers. I may need to wait another year before it’s that special time when we remember Christ’s birthday. I may need to wait another year before I can go to a Christmas Mass. (Actually, that’s not strictly true, because I do go to the Ukrainian Christmas Mass on January 7th. But still, another year before I can go to Christmas Mass in the Roman Catholic Church.)

But every day is a good day to remember Jesus. And every day is a good day to give the gift of ourselves to others.